Chapter one
“Go over it again, just in case.”
You replay a conversation for hours after it ends.
The bus pulls away and you’re back at the table. You told the story about work. They laughed, but was it a real laugh? You play it again with the sound off, watching their face. Then again, from the bit where you talked over them.
When you replay, you tend to hunt for the moment you got it wrong and skip the hour of conversation that went fine around it.
Erica Boothby and her colleagues paired up strangers for a chat. Afterwards they asked each person how much they liked the other, and how much they thought they were liked back. People tended to guess low. The same gap showed up among first-year students who’d just moved into the same student housing, and it lasted for months. Those were people getting to know each other, so with an old friend the gap may be smaller.
What it protects
If you find the mistake first, nobody can surprise you with it later. Replaying is a way of staying ready.
What it costs
The evening can end hours later for you than for everyone else. The version you keep tends to be the harshest one.
The next time it runs
- Catch it
- The replay tends to start in a gap: the walk home, the bus, the dark.
- Name it
- “I’m checking for mistakes again.”
- Choose
- Let the replay run once. Then ask yourself what went fine.
Try it
about ten minutes
The rest of the tape
- 1.Pick a conversation from this week that you keep going back to.
- 2.Write the part you replay in one line.
- 3.Before you go on, guess, zero to ten, how much they enjoyed talking to you. Write it down.
- 4.Now write two things that went fine, like a second question they asked or a laugh you didn’t plan. If you can only find one, write that, and what they did straight after the part you replay.
- 5.Look at your guess again. Would you move it? Write the new number beside the old one, even if it’s the same.
For example
The part I replay: I talked about my job for too long. What went fine: she asked where I worked before, and she stayed for another drink. My guess: three. After the list: four. Not much of a move. I still wince at the job bit.
Your plan
When I catch myself replaying a conversation, I will
Worth thinking about
- What are you hoping the replay will find?
- If a friend told you this story about themselves, which part would you notice first?
Next: one short “ok”, and how much of what you read into it is yours.